Falling in Love with Your Fantasy  
by Alison Sardelli 

During those especially long stretches of time when romantic prospects seem minimal, many single people begin to fixate on the idea of a fantasy person who for all intents and purposes, perfect.

As harmless as fantasy may seem at first, when too much time is spent on this idea alone it can be harmful to a person's actual dating life.

To understand how a fantasy develops into a constant piece of a person's life it is essential to understand why some people may fixate on the idea in the first place. Understand that while almost every person, single or no, allows themselves to indulge in a fantasy life now and then, this is not the same idea as a person who develops an obsessive nature about it. Some common causes of this fixation on a romantic fantasy figure:

* Approaching Terror: When a person finds that despite their desires, simply approaching a person that they find attractive sends them into a spiral of self doubt, it can be very appealing to create a fictitious companion whose approval is already assured. 

* Personal Appearance: When a person's appearance is not one that they feel is attractive to others this can easily cause them to withdraw from social settings. When a reminder of this feeling of being outcast is simply a look in the mirror away it is fairly easy to make the jump into a fantasy world where not only is your companion attractive, but so might you be. 

* Difficulty Speaking: When a person finds that their tongue becomes dry and the words seem to float away whenever they attempt to speak with an attractive person this can quickly cause them to stop trying to communicate. By shutting down any forms of communication with potential romantic interests not only is the person unlikely to make a connection, but may feel as if the idea is impossible.

* Escape through Dating: Because it can be so difficult to deal with a traumatic experience openly, many people attempt to find ways of shutting out the trauma through intense emotional experiences. Those who might use dating to escape other issues in their life might quickly find that even when in the presence of a real person they continue to assign false attributes to them so that the fantasy can be maintained.

Crossing the Line:

While many more reasons exist for developing a persistent fantasy on one's life it also important to understand when these fantasies may cross the line; from harmless fun to real life destroyers, when does it become harmful to a person's life?

In many ways a fantasy can have the same effect on a person as a drug, it is attractive, time consuming and often a solitary experience. The time spent thinking of a fantasy may even lead to the release of certain chemicals in the brain which can cause a person to feel happy and euphoric. Once this has been achieved the fantasy is now associated with a distinct feeling of joy and will be sought often. While at the early stages of this development it is unlikely that any damage has been done, it is important to monitor how frequently the time is spent away from reality.

Another obvious problem with a fantasy obsession is that because it is such a solitary action it may cause a person to retreat from real life social situations. Conversations with real people may become increasingly difficult because in the waking world conversations are not often scripted by a single individual as in a fantasy.

The inability to relinquish control is usually apart, even if only a small one, of a fantasy obsession. The outside world can become less and less appealing as the desire to maintain control over every part of the desired social interactions becomes more intense. When these kinds of feelings are felt it is often by a person who is suffering deeply and is perhaps living in a constant state of terror.

Perhaps the most common and harmful result of a fantasy obsession is the inability to enter into a successful real life relationship. When a person indulges too often with a fantasy mate they begin to use that fantasy as standard to which all other romantic candidates will compared with. As each new figure fails to the live up to this standard the fantasy is reinforced, while the real world is shoved further and further away.

Solutions:

Though many people have some idea in mind of what kind of person their soul mate or dream lover would be, it is import to use these preset standards as a guideline only. With so many individuals in the world how can anyone expect to fit a mold created by the likes and dislikes of another?

The inability to accept another human being because their personality and appearance do not match that of a fantasy character is where this obsession often becomes truly dangerous. Some individuals become convinces that the image in their mind does in fact exist somewhere and refuse to allow anyone else to get close to them because they feel it is unnecessary to lower their standards.

Refusing to allow the unexpected personality traits of new people into your life because they are not within the parameters set by a fantasy can quickly lead to depression and an intense feelings of loneliness. Understanding that the ideal romantic match reflects a desire only and not a strict guideline to follow can help others not only to meet some very interesting people, but perhaps allow them to grow as well.

While the excitement and pleasure that is felt when submerged in a fantasy life may help to create an ideal for romance and attraction, to achieve success in a real relationship one must be willing to surrender the fantasy and look for the truly amazing traits inside the real people all around them. 



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